Category: TOAD NEWS FEED

i think about her when i wake up and when i fall asleep to try to dream about her. I have to write about it, knowing no one reads this until I fucking open my wrists but I can’t pull the literal trigger. I can’t tell if she likes me or not but like that never stopped me before.

Love me two times girl, i’m going away.

I have fallen in love with hundreds of women but I think I’m going to go back and try to see if I can seduce her. I’ll let her read this after, it might be cute.

God, her sense of humor and looks. I know she’s too good for me but like maybe I can get her attention. I need to just do it and get the rejection out of the way but i can’t think or predict failure, maybe she’s tossing and turning in bed thinking about me. She’s not but like just humor me.

Not yet, I went for a run yesterday, gotta hit the mat and do the pushups tomorrow but jesus I haven’t desired someone so bad in forever. She was complaining at work being slow and I’m like I can have you onboarded with a email address and a phone number this afternoon and you can be doing this by the pool while smoking weed and drinking vodka by Friday.

It’s cliche to try to build a family style business with people but there is a impulse to pull someone from just pouring drinks for assholes on a Metarie bar to pouring drinks for me by the pool we are laughing and dancing at.

Ugh, I’m going to ask her out. I have it all planned out too, I’m going to buy a ticket to a fundraiser and invite her saying I have a extra ticket if you want to go and a car already arranged. 50/50 chance not optimistic but like scarlet begonias, gotta give a try.

So fucked up, I hate falling for people but you can’t turn it off, just keep trying just because. Just give it one or two more weeks of pushups and try, all she can say is no and move on but it just takes one date to make her think I’m not a horrible investment in time. Or maybe not, the gun is under the pillow and I can stop this nightmare at any time but…I have too many things to do. Suicide isn’t the answer until it is…  

I think like almost 30 seconds after my last post I went and picked up M and we spent 2 days drinking vodka. I’ve dated…a lot, in my life and never have I tried to make it work so poorly with someone as this M.

God, I wish I could go back to my early 30’s and tell myself like quick pick one of these, work on yourself because covid is coming and your 40’s are almost there.

It’s so dumb tho, like of course you are old with a gray beard so yeah, you miss them. 

The 4th of july is over. It’s time to shave this terrible beard. Almost out of whiskey and beer. Rotary is calling, beard needs to leave, need to be active. I set the alarm for 7:30am tomorrow. I wish I had made coffee.

One more holiday and it’s the christmas rush, no time to be lonely, there is work to be done. Work tho, like…jesus, what am I even doing anymore.

I’ve been in almost a “call in your debts” kind of mode to almost try to shut down and do something else but like what even is something else now.

The…thing, the “thing” is i keep waiting for something to happen and I’m just waiting and it’s not happening, not because of any reason just…whatever.

I hate the whole “you make your own luck” when it comes to being happy. That fucking shit never works out. Ask the girl out, get thrown away. Naw, I’m going to, you start to enjoy the look of pity and disgust knowing you were going to be right that you weren’t right for them, self whatever, you were right.

Alarm set for 7:30a, shave the beard monday and get ready for the future for a few more weeks for another holiday. Boy do I wish I had made different choices.

Time to sweat it out for a week and feel the regrets. I’m going to do it tho and go to *** on *** and ask out the other M but like should you even do that. Just lay on the goddamn mat and work out. Even tho like what’s the fucking point of that. Get abs for crematorium, good fucking work.

M is now texting me telling me “i hope you feel better” like if you could just…whatever.

Wake up, shave after the pushups. You have nothing but sorrow around you because of the choices you made. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, don’t get back to M, don’t even try to flirt with the other M. How do you handle this, just medicate for a few weeks trying to get over it.

Suddenly the hatred starts to rush in. It’s silly but I start to feel like a battery. Cliche, get over it asshole.

Going to drink the rest of the whiskey, wake up tomorrow, fuck it.

Let’s take a big step back from this. I fucking hate this. I had some really high “ups” a few weeks ago. Working out several times a day, eating pure, feeling good.

There is soImething to be said for embracing loneliness, just roll with it. I think that lasts around 2 weeks before it shatters but damn was that a good run. I was having a glass of wine at 5pm, a modest dinner and 3 beers with Netflix or whatever. It took about a week to sleep but fucking summer time got to me.

There is nothing to ground me. No girlfriend, family despises me even tho they won’t say it. It’s Friday? Best part is Mel is texting me asking me to hang out and like..that’s a whole other post. I want the best for her and I know that is coming from me.

It’s…I just hate this July 4th, something that should feel happy but our country is about to seriously just end, I’m not sure how we just bounce back from this.

I just need to wake up tomorrow and drink the emergenc and just try. God, the rain sounds so beautiful right now. I’m listening NIN – Still and like goddamn what a great album.

I felt good to type out tha title. Dude you are 43 years old, nothing about you is attractive, you have gotten amazing at faking it but like jesus christ. A and then R and then K, it’s obvious having a partner wasn’t part of..this. Whatever, just be sad, blah.

lol whatever, stupid feelings, just sad lonely feelings, my destiny to be the king of the pain.

ugh sang that last night and i hate how accurate it feels and almost pulled me out of the moment…i have stood here before the pouring rain…

there is skeleton choking on a crust of bread

So I decided to make all of the previous posts private. I have given my employees the order that they will all be made public when I die but for now, I think it’s time for a fresh start.

I’m going to start writing on this web site daily again. I don’t really have any visitors anymore which is fine since this will be more like a public diary then anything.

Anyway, life has been kinda hectic but I think I’ve turned the corner in a sense. I’m starting to think that maybe my problem is that I’m trying to have relationships with women that should have only been a one night stand at best. I think I was maybe trying to fill a void or something? I dunno, doesn’t really matter.

Today at Rotary I was talking with a woman who used to be a match maker and she told me I need to make a list of all the attributes of the perfect partner.

Shit, that might make a good crackhore post right there.

Anyway, so a few months ago I was at Lakeview harbor and one of the bartenders told me they were going to start doing karaoke.

I show up the first night and I open up the night. I forget what I sang, doesn’t matter. After I finish the song, Darryl the guy that runs karaoke says “okay want to keep going?” and I’m there jumping up and down in the camo pants and black boots with the spiked metal bracelet like fuck yeah, lets keep going.

I ended up singing for like 4 fucking hours, it was great. Muscles sore from dancing the next day, fucking awesome.

It gets better. So on Monday’s I often go to Melius’s around the corner from my condo. They have $1.50 martinis on Mondays and it’s kind of a easy way to reset my sleep schedule getting a few of those in me.

Anyway, I’m talking to the manager about how excited I am that the harbor now has karaoke and she says they were looking for a new karaoke person. I connect them with Darryl and now they are doing karaoke every Friday. The harbor is only doing karaoke every other Wednesday which is good because I honestly don’t know if my body can handle singing twice a week every week.

Ugh if I really wanted to push my limits, I could sing at the harbor one Wednesday, then go to the basin on Thursday and sing there, then Melius’s on Friday then go downtown to Kajuns and sing on Saturday then check into rehab on Sunday.

Good times. The thing I love about this karaoke experiences is that Darryl’s karaoke setup is easily the best I’ve ever experienced. The speakers are top notch but what’s great is his catalog. You can a QR code and it takes you to his web site where you just search and it just automatically adds it to his queue. Typically karaoke is mostly older songs but Darryl’s system has lots of modern stuff like new NIN, etc, been having a blast.

The funny thing is that singing this much, I’ve actually noticed I’m getting better. Some of the people that are regulars have even said that I’m improving which is nice getting good feedback. I’ve also been hitting the yoga mat for a hour every morning, back up to 300 pushups again. Next goal I guess is 500?

I’ve been rubber banding on my alcoholism…I was trying to cut back to just beer but the insomnia that comes with that has actually been more detrimental then hangovers. I was basically sleeping 2 hours a night for 2 days then finally crashing the 3rd night, it’s just not healthy. I’m honestly thinking about just saying no more beer at home, just whiskey after dinner to sleep.

I think the problem is just trying to lay down and fall asleep laying there thinking about all the problems in my life. The goddamn audi, the multiple failed relationships over the last 2 years, the fact that I feel like I should be way farther ahead in life than I am. I know lots of people probably feel that way but it’s like telling someone don’t be depressed because it could be worse. Of course it could be worse, hell, it will get worse. It’s horrible to type that out but it’s almost guaranteed to get worse.

Oh well, leaving office, sandwich for dinner and then off to go sing. I’m going to try to do some Rush tonight, that might be both hilarious and fun.

i wish i could email michael in 2005 and tell him not to ever date anyone seriously ever again.

That’s right…”Patrick M” at my host helped me figure out why was going wrong with the site. Now i’m upgraded and i’m going to start writing fucking stupid tons of paragraphs on this site that no one reads because i stopped updating it…fuck you, everyone sit down, i’m only on slide 2 of this presentation.

Patrick i wanna give you props for helping me fix this because obviously no one would even help me troubleshoot this and now i’m rolling fresh. You are saving me thousands of dollars in bar tabs now that i can just update this huge database of nonsense and hate.

Sek recently reminded me that i’m pretty much a failure at the internet and that all i do is facebook and don’t work on this work of art. I hate being put in my place because normally i’m in my place chyllin and it’s cool. Everyone knows where i am and what i do. Except when i sell out and start posting on facebook instead of crackhore.

I’ll tell you honestly what it was. People go to facebook and people stopped going here when i stopped updating. Now i’m not going to point fingers but i think it might have been my fault. I’m starting up again. You are going to be so sick of content that you’ll be like “naw i don’t read crackhore everyday, i like to save it up and read it every day or two while im eating steak and getting my dick sucked”.

I want to seriously just take the gloves off tho. I want to know who is reading this. So you know what? This is it. You are all of my content couch as of now. Everything is going to required you to be logged in. I’ve gone too far into life to let me fuck it up. Unless you have a approved login then it’s gone. I know that the wayback machine will bust me out but it’s not about the old stuff. It’s the new hate fueled rage that i don’t want everyone seeing.

God i want to make love to this wordpress install. It’s all back and now i can just write here instead of annoying people on facebook.

To catch you up on where my nightmare currently exists…jennifer are taking time apart…either this is what i need to do to be okay with being with her or i’m a insensitive asshole who just wants to date other girls. It’s up for you to decide and for me to ignore.

This is what was missing from my life and what’s missing from yours.

I’m going to start a facebook profile for crackhore.com so that everything is posted here is mirrored on your social media god. So that way if you want to listen to the rantings of a functioning alcoholic mad man who happens to know everything about the internet, just like and you’re in. And you have to be approved.

Okay i’m done, wipe yourself off and get out.

i’ve got something going on in my personal life which pretty much defies anything i’ve ever done. playing for keeps as usual. only time will tell on these sorts of things and i’m really wondering what even what i need in a woman. i mean really, when you reach this age you start to realize it’s not them, it’s you. oh well, spin the wheel.

well, i kinda stopped drinking today. except for the vodka. and the beer when i woke up.

my depression levels have reached a new low. i keep thinking about what 2009 has been and am just wondering if this is just going to be it.

moving in with kelly was obviously a dumb fucking move. i mean seriously. when you’re not longer attracted to someone it’s pretty sure it’s time to, you know, stop dating them. im sure all young men learn these lessons about dating older women, etc but i’m a little ashamed of myself. dumb fucking move.

i get back out on my own and fall for michelle all over again. i got a week out of that one.

right after that i fall for tiffany. always a great idea to try to date a work person but then throw in the fact that she really doesn’t want anything to do with me emotionally is the real heart breaker. i guess i’m not used to that, just being used for certain aspects. i bring it on myself, yea i know. it was never meant to be but it’d be pretty fucking nice to meet someone who actually cared for me.

oh well. i’m starting to realize that you hit a point in your life after having your heart crushed and being loved by all the wrong people that you realize the hopelessness of it all.

i hope to be everyone’s dark corner of their mind. i say all the depressing shit you dont want to admit to yourself. unless you have a husband, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend that loves you. then i just sound bitter.

oh yeah, ash wednesday, no more drinking tomorrow…except at lynn’s party. drinking then, but not before. well maybe a beer in the morning if my chest hurts again. but definitely no more after that…until the party. goddamn it.

this was my second year to roll with my krewe. last year i really didn’t know what i was getting myself into, still had a great time.

this year i knew what was coming. the story really probably starts saturday morning. bill picks me up at 7am. i’ve been up since 5:30 for some reason, finishing the beer from the night before and getting really high. i jump in the truck and he’s got his friend and a some kids, probably 15-17ish. I’m totally completely spun and talking all kinds of nonsense about everything. Everyone loves me.

We get out to where the floats are stored. After buying wild turkey and beer for the float at some shady gas station near the 9th ward. So we get there and start loading the floats and drinking beer. There was a great moment where one of the guys in the krewe looked over and saw me sitting on the sidewalk eating a doughnut and drinking a beer at 8am. I wish i could remember people’s names because it was beautiful.

we meet up with the rest of the people at laffite’s blacksmith bar. things start getting really weird here…beer beer beer, good times and we make our way to uptown. there was a cab involved. bill’s daughters and daughter’s friends are extremely young and extremely hot. i was in no shape or position to talk to them and i stole a washcloth off a house keeper’s cart. i hope bill doesn’t get invoiced for that 🙁

so when i leave bill and his family i’m totally left to my own devices. i’m not that far from home so i start hiking it. as i was walking i noticed a huge 5th of skyy vodka just sitting by itself on a table. and honestly i feel bad about this and something bad is going to happen to me but i fucking grabbed it and kept going. i really feel bad about it and need to do something to make up for it. i might go just give it to a random stranger on st charles today.

anyway im sprinting up carondolet with my stolen bottle of vodka and call sek. it’s like when you do something that bad ass you gotta follow it up with talking to sek. he was proud of me. i think, i don’t really remember anything said.

i slept on the floor for a while and let my neighbor’s friends use my bathroom. i had my gun on me and im not sure if they saw it. i’m fucking paranoid okay?

my alarm goes off and i jump out of bed, fill my flask and run out the door. i think i might have brushed my teeth too. im out the door and realize that the flask is leaking and i now have a huge puddle of vodka on my pants, jacket and hoody. the show must go on.

i miss the bus. i get a cab. nothing can stop me now.

i get there and im standing at the elevator. a guy named mike who is obviously going to the 6th floor for the krewe(based on the cooler of booze). he asks me how late i was out and i laugh and say “i was drinking at home by myself at the computer, we real alcoholics don’t go out”.

the room is full of food, mixers and a 3 piece band playing new orleans music. i choke down a sandwich. hungover isn’t probably the right word cuz i was still very drunk but my entire body just hurt. i could feel my brain. the world was rotating really slowly and i could feel it.i get a few cups of coffee in me and try to shake off the dread of depression.

i could write a fucking web site around tiffany what this whole experience has been like but im just going to leave it at we’re both at different places in our life or something of that nature. but it’s fucking mardi gras. cheer your ass up. i get the costume on, put on my little hat and start dancing in front of the band. i’m in like 20 different photos. some guy with a video camera got me too. i made a hotel staff member very uncomfortable as i danced extremely close to her.

i sit back down at our table and talk to the other riders. we have like 5 really hot women on our float, one of them a former cowboys cheerleader. one of them, named kelly(yeah heh) strikes up conversation with me, asking why im so hungover, etc. i tell her a abridged version of what my life is like women wise and she tells me i’m great and have everything to offer a woman, etc. of course she’s engaged so it’s fucking easy for her to say all this.

bill brings out a bottle of champagne. it’s the bottle that tiffany and i brought to the party 2 months ago. perfect.

finally it’s time to leave. we take the service elevator downstairs. i’m screaming WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN along with my new best friend who’s name i can’t remember. he made jello shots. really wish i could remember names. anyway, we get out of the elevator and stroll through the lobby still singing, onto the bus.

i open the bottle of champagne and start drinking it from the bottle. i pass it around, we sing along to the awesome classic rock the bus driver puts on and we head out. police escort, bus ride, off the bus. i carry the jellow shots, half empty bottle of champagne. more singing while we walk to the floats.

to try to sum up the ride experience with stupid faggot words is just impossible. pictures don’t do it either. the weather was perfect, a parade already rolled before us so the crowds were out.  it’s just impossible to describe it.

after this i’m totally just gone. champagne, wild turkey, beer…still drunk on stolen vodka from the night before. i guess i came home. i fell asleep on the floor for a while and then walked to new york pizza and ate the best piece of pizza ever. hit up the other 2 bars and just watch the madness. back home. tiffany calls me last night and we talk for a long time.

i wake up and realize i need beer soon. i ride to rite aide, get eggs, dog food and a case of natural light. american pie is blaring over the loudspeakers which means i need to start singing along to it at the top of my lungs. the cashier is trying to ignore me as i yell along, BYE BYE MISSSS AMERICA PIEEEE swiping my saints visa card. and if the singing is hard to ignore, the dancing is just making it worse. people are backing away from the register to give me my space. out the door, home. win.