Author: Scoutmastertoad

I’m sorry, it’s just getting old. I’m in a weird time of my life. Ive been going out by myself, having a 3-4 drinks by myself, talking to whoever i run into or whoever has the balls to walk up and talk to me, driving home, having one last Corona and just having a good fucking time.

It’s been all about getting drunk by myself, going out by myself, just being the lone ranger of unsoberiety.

I’ve been waking up every morning and laughing at the crazy little adventures ive been getting myself into.

Now something is getting old.

It’s the gay guys.

So Friday night, i drink a bottle of wine, photoshop my face on Denerio, laugh uncontrollably for about a hour and decide it’s time to go drink by myself, with other people. I roll up to melange by myself, the gay black dudes hit on me. I drink more and leave.

Of course tonight has to slap me in the face again. After narrowly avoiding Sara in the parking lot, i use my teleport scroll and get to Melange. Since my entire sloth day didn’t make up for it, i have 3-4 drinks, pay for Ian’s tab and talk to Carlos while he spins.

Then the gay men show up.

This guy, long white beard, glasses, looks kinda like a college professor, sits down next to me. We talk about the music carlos is spinning, dogs(since he used to work at the humane society) when he asks me if i’ll have another drink. I’ve already had 4 makers mark and cranberry and can barely see.

He asks me if i want any company on the walk back to my car, which is about 50 yards away. I see where it’s going, tell him no and that i’ll see him next Monday.

I’m just not happy with this tho.

I am straight. I have Madonna mp3s. I listen to Moby sometimes. I like girls with cute butts. BUT I DON’T FUCK GUYS. I can’t figure it out. I love women more then life. The first thing i think of when i wake up, the last thing i think of when i go to sleep. There isn’t any confusion about my sexuality. The only confusion is that women think i’m gay.

Like the people who have met me in real life know that i’m not gay. They see me, they see me looking at girls, hell, they may even know one of my ex’s. I’m sure i don’t like guys.

Why do i emit this gay aura? I roll up into Melange and i’m staring at girl’s, throwing my hands up in the air, getting drunk, talking about how hot every girl in the place is. Then the gay men show up.

I feel bad, i talk to them. I love meeting random people, i love just talking, sharing energy, meeting anybody. It’s the true AIM of real life. Just talking to anyone. Just talking to anyone because life is too short to not talk to someone. I’ll talk to anyone.

It’s just starting to get old tho. A lot of guys can go out and have at least 1-2 girls come up and talk to them. I get guys.

Well, almost drunk enough to go to bed. I don’t think i’ve really expressed how sick of gay guys i am. You guys can cut my hair, be my best friend, but fuck. I WANT GIRLS! I LOVE UM!

BLACK GIRLS! WHITE GIRLS!

JUST GIMMIE UM!

I want all of them. Every one. If you’re ugly then get my drunk, come on. IM SICK OF GUYS, I WANT THE WOMEN!

I wake up every morning dreaming of my best friend’s 17 year old sister. If that doesn’t say i’m straight then i don’t know what else could. I would understand if i woke up in the morning thinking about how hot the hair dresser i talked to the night before but i don’t.

You won’t win God, i don’t fuck dudes.

I don’t care how much you keep trying to tell me.

I won’t let you win.

It all started with a bottle of wine, photoshopping my head on Robert Denerio, you know, a typical Saturday night. Then i shower, put on my favorite pair of pants and to to watch Barry spin at Melange.

This is when the devil took over.

I drunkley(sp) helped Barry carry in his records like a true DJ hoe and then proceded to have who knows how many cranberry and marker’s mark by myself while watching barry setup and spin.

Then the black gay hair stylists showed up.

These 2 guys, i dunno how they started talking to me, sat next to me and we discussed music, drinks and hair. They kept calling me Peter Pan becuase of my hair and telling me how i’m the cutest guy in the bar. I finally manage to pay my tab and i think i gave one of the gay dudes one of my business cards and i leave Melange.

Somehow i manage to drive to Neils, the indian burial ground of bars. I’m drunk as shit talking to eric and his girlfriend who i can never remember, buy Brad a happy birthday beer and fucking leave.

I think i threw up in the parking lot.

Barely remember what happened after that. On the drive home i got a Corona and sat outside with my new neighber. We talked about how cool midtown is, etc, he brings out a joint and then i woke up in bed this afternoon with marla begging to go outside and pee. I vaguely remember talking to my neighber and his girlfriend about how cool wireless access points are and how the internet is everywhere. God, fucking pot. Fucking corona. Fucking black dudes. wait no…

Gawd, why didn’t i bring my camera last night….

And of course tonight is old school Sunday. Not good.

Hi

All right, people? Well, first of all, my pseudonym is Blaze Handack (for the time being let’s be thus). I’m from Brazil and I’m a person who like comics, sci fi, cinema and vanguard literature. After years, reading and seeing very cool things in the kind, I put in my mind the idea of was my hour to contribute with this so fascinating universe that is the youth literature, therefore I created my characters, my subjects and universes, and started to write my stories.

As nowadays, to publish this type of material is enough expensive, I decided to become it public through more cheap and accessible current media: the Internet. Then made my site: UltramidiA (http://www.ultramidia.cjb.net.). Now, that the site is on line, and with much published material, I’m contact you to ask a great favour: I want you look the work, and despite the some English failures, in case you find that it is legal and worthwhile, arrange a little space in the Crackhore and do a small spreading.

I ask this aid, because is not possible for me to divulge by the traditonal meas, as much is that, I would like be placing new chapters on line every week, but due to the difficulties, only is possible edit new chapters monthly. I beforehand beg your pardon due my English failures, but want to clear, that despite the few means, what hinders me to pay propaganda, all the work is developed with devotion and professionalism.

I’m here waiting you help me. Be sure that not only me, but much people that likes the same thing will be very thankful.

Big Hugs

Blaze

I open my door and Marla pokes her head out and sees that we also have a new neighberhood dog also. Marla bolts out of my apartment, hair bristling for confrontation and tears ass into apartment. Now I’ve been cleaning all day, no shower, hair sticking up, unshaven wearing a shirt with a huge weird head on it.

I chase after Marla screaming her name as Marla inspects every room of her apartment, pees on the floor and almost devours her kitten. As i’m dragging my demonic dog out of her apartment she tells me her name, which for the life of me i can’t remember and asks me mine.

“Oh I’m Michael but my friend’s call me Toad. It’s a computer thing.”

I go back inside, load up Boys For Pele to give her some more moving in music and go back to work cleaning. Thats been the answer to my little internet problem today. Binge cleaning and mp3s.

I swear the only thing to do in this fucking city on Friday is get drunk or high. I have neither drugs or alcohol either. I’m about to go to Tracks out of total fucking boredom.

Last night i was searching images.google.com for “drunk” and looking at other people’s drunk pics for a change. It’s crazy how many millions of drunk motherfuckers upload their drunk pics that only seem really funny to them.

I guess i could probably stay in and work but fuck, working on a friday night is almost as lame as working on a saturday…blah….you know you’re really a bored motherfucker when feeding the dog becomes a whole little fun activity in itself. Most people open the can of food, dump it into the bowl and walk away. Tonight i’m heating her Prime Cuts(In Gravy) up in the microwave, adding Fajita Seasoning and putting a little piece of parsley in it. The way her tail is wagging like crazy makes me think she likes it…..

Blah, gonna go meet felix up at tracks, the alcohol must be consumed whether i like it or not.

Last night i witnessed Redbird’s history. At 1am when the video screen informed us that we were attending the longest lasting baseball game in Autozone Park history, i felt a little warm and fuzzy.

I don’t really like baseball. I collected baseball cards like a fanatic as a child, which seems like just a obsession in a small form, like collecting warez as a teenager. I played baseball as a child, knowing the rules, always wishing i was better, etc.

Then somehow, during my teen NIN years, i lost touch with baseball or any kind of sport that was nationally recognized. It lost the magic and it figures…with the strikes, the 20 million salaries that don’t seem to be enough, etc. Greed seems like the only common denominator in American spirit now..

Last night i sat through 19 innings of baseball tho. Shane called me at 5pm and invited me to a AAA baseball game at the downtown stadium. I had never been to a game, just broken up with my girlfriend, so it sounded really good. We drove down, parked in a parking garage and went the game.

I remember looking at the scoreboard and saying “so games only last 9 innings?” and he said “naw, usually around 8”.

Of course after the Redbirds hit 3 home runs in one fucking inning, i was like “omg it’s a tie game”. Thats when it got intresting. It was a tie fucking game. No one had any idea who the winner or who the loser would be. Yet people were getting up and leaving. I didn’t understand it…how could they leave when at any moment some fucker could crack that ball out of the park.

Shane asked me about twice if i wanted to leave and i was like “No way, fuck those faggots, i want to see who wins, in real life”. The green grass, the dark dirt…this shit was glowing in the eyes of someone who only seems aim windows and pixels all day.

By the 17th inning, i was sure the umpire was going to call the game. The innings were going by so fast, those 3 outs just coming and going. The fatigue of every player showing as one dude accidently threw a bat into the crowd and when the Olkahoma picther beaned a batter.

The 19th inning, 6 and a half hours later, the game ended. We were so weary, waiting, like people in a movie theatre, just wanting something, ANYTHING! to happen when Olkahoma got a faggot on 3rd. They hit a base hit and the asshole ran home.

There were only about 200 something people left in the stadium at the point. Shane and I were commenting on how cute the guys/girls were that were left in the stadium when those fuckers finally won.

Now I hate Memphis as much as anyone else who has lived here long enough does. This city fucking sucks. But after 19 fucking innings, you want the dudes who buy 40’s at the same gas station as you do, to fucking own those faggots. So you feel a little owned when those butt pirates walk across the plate, scoring that last run.

We left Autozone park after 6 and a half hours, the longest game in that park’s history, tired and weary. The guy at the gate gave us 2 free tickets to whatever Redbird’s game we wanted to see and i really understood baseball at that moment.

That night and the morning afterwards, everyone was like “Toad, you like baseball?” and i responded “yeah i guess so”. I mean quite honestly i never liked baseball before that night. I really figured it out that night tho. The bright lights, the green grass, the beatiful girls, the anticipation with each pitch that it could sail out of the park and change the 19 inning game….i can honestly say i don’t like sports…i like competition, hehe….

I wanna thank Shane for talking me to this game. I havn’t had such a weird “You never thought you could feel this” kinda moment in a very, very long time. I never thought i could actually think that baseball was a really cool sport but now i could honestly enjoy any baseball, basketball or footbal game as long as it was it was happening in front of me.

Kinda makes me feel like shit since i told Shane i was going to go to tonight’s game with him but i didn’t make it back from my run in time to shower and change and go with him. Oh well, anyone who knows me well enough to invite me to a baseball game knows that i’m such a flake that i won’t be on time for anything….

Anyway, i’m gonna add some pics to this update of the game and i really wanna thank shane for inviting me out of the blue to this incredible game. It wouldn’t have been the same with anyone else and i appreciate it….and with that, im gonna take my drunk ass to bed….fdalksdjflakjsdflkajsdlfjasldfkalksdjf

This credit company is really pissed about me not paying Bellsouth 7 fucking dollars. God, life is too short to worry about 7 fucking dollars. Faggots. It rules cuz i cancelled my phone so the creditors can't call me to ask me for money. Somehow they finally got my cellphone and i just said “i already paid it, go fuck yourself” and hungup.

I also get a lot of hate email too. This is the best. Cuz thats what the internet is for. Hatemail and porn. Check out this masterpiece, of course, without a name, because that would be giving away waaaaaaaaaayy too much.

Hrm… sometimes for torture, I read your site. No, that's not a joke. I seriously hate you.

This is most likely a girl i had sex with and then stopped talking to. Or it's Annie. But Annie likes to stalk me in a more up front manner, by using different aim names to try to get me to talk to her.

I'm just begging you guys, please, sign your name. Would make it so much better.

We get our first drinks and we see the girl. But it's a guy. In a dress. At the 97% black K107 Jams Old School Sunday night. We called him over and started talking to him. Turns out he's making a website about his journey to America. We exchange aim names and url's, buy him a Jack and Coke and then he disappeared.

We finally leave at god knows what hour and I take Chad's car keys so he can't drive. I can't figure out how to move his seat forward so i'm barely able to touch the peddles. I woke up this morning with a empty beer bottle in my bed.

god, i hope chad made the drive home okay because he has all the pics from last night on his camera

teaser66: drinks, ohhhh wait, ian’s bartending now isnt he
oldschoolsundayTOAD: ian was the white dude?

ugh, drank at hardrock, home now yay gonna throw up