Author: Scoutmastertoad

so watching the saints this season has been a real gamble. it sucks seeing them lose after the great season last year so you wonder why you’re taking time out of your day to get drunk and watch them.

they were playing the falcons tho so i had to go watch.

rode my bike up to the local daiquiri shop. now i know what i’m getting myself into. i’m used to being the only white guy in a room after living in memphis. the last time i watched a game up there i was at a table of butch black lesbians which i didn’t even know existed.

i get in and order my daiquiri with 3 shots of everclear to get the night started. i was kinda late so there are no empty tables and no stools at the bar. i stand there with my huge mug and start scanning. i find a guy sitting by himself, only 1 beer. huge guy, big gold chain. i ask him if i can sit there, he hesitates and says he has some friends coming, not sure how many. i tell him i’ll move when they get here.

i sit down and start watching. we don’t talk much but then his friends get here. 2 other guys he works with, one guy with a huge gold grill.

the other guy who sits down however, had his own gimmick. i try to break the ice and i ask them if we’re going win tonight. the guy says “oh you a saints fan?” and his friend goes “yeah he hates the saints”.

so after every play, every ref call, he’s cheering for the falcons in this bar full of drunk motherfuckers. i turn to the 1st guy and ask him if he has my back if people start throwing chairs at him. he explains to me that he just hates the saints now because they have just been playing so bad. i really can relate to this feeling. i have that feeling a lot too. even tho this is my 2nd season of watching the saints play, i decided i won’t be a fair weather fan. i’ve just uhh been busy the last few games where they have been stomped into the field.
they all start betting on the game with pitchers of beer and i decide to buy a round just to confirm in my head that they are going to let me sit at their “lunch table”. i bring the pitcher over and set it down and the falcons fan starts to reach. i turn to him and  say “oh no, this is only for my 2 fellow saints fans here”. laughter ensues.
things start getting really bad because ive already polished off the everclear daiquiri and ive been drinking off the pitcher i bought. they order a round of wings and hand me the basket to take one. now we are sharing a meal. after we get in a fight together we are all best friends.

now this is really bad but i don’t remember the bike ride home. i called kelly outside the daiquiri shop to tell her i loved her. i hope thats all i said. she didn’t seem mad when i saw her today so it was a positive drunk phone call. so rare.

i rode home with wings, probably very fast. the best part is i think i got them from laffiette’s cafe next door who have wing specials on saints games which means there was a possible experience that just didn’t stay in the buffer. i hate when that happens.

oh well, saints won, i ate hot wings and made some new friends. very positive update.

we went out drinking before the race this last sunday. i was trying to be responsible and just have a few beers but i distinctly remember 3 shots of jager. we wake up late, kelly drops me off near the start of the race. i have time for some light stretching and bam we’re off. i started too far back so the first quarter mile i almost break a few necks.

the day before i put 3 mars volta songs on the ipod. carefully arranged.

those few people in the beginning had no idea how close they were to a elbow to the back.

it’s stupid fucking hot for december 2nd, in the 80’s already at 8am. there are no timers on any of the mile markers and i didn’t bring a watch so i couldn’t even guess.

it was roughly about mile 2 there is a guy standing on the side of the path where everyone is running. wearing a jagermeister tshirt.

he almost got a whole bunch of jagermeister all over him.

i came in at 22 minutes, immediately went to the nearest patch of grass and laid down. a few cups of water and we head to the beer truck. abita truck. mmmmm

i see a few people from work but i still haven’t seen any of my bosses yet. finally i catch up with all 3 of them, all 3 of them wearing the white cotton corporate shirts we got specifically for the race. i’m wearing a black singlet. i get in between both of them while double fisting my abita ambers and the main boss takes the pic. i can’t wait to see it.

anyway, kelly drives me back to her place and cooks me some wonderful bacon and eggs. after i shower i remember i failed to pack something after the race. she tells me her shorts are in the bottom drawer. i pull out a pair of really short khaki shorts. i don’t even dig for anymore, this is the pair.

i find a really tight red t-shirt and i’m ready to go.

we stop at popeyes since i want to continue on the post race bad food bender. i tell her she has to go inside. i’m scared to go into popeyes dressed like this.

we make a stop at walgreens because i need to get marla at least a little food. i decide to go in.

i strut around in my little shorts and pick up a bag of dog food.

all kinds of stares.
i finally had to take them off when i got to the apartment. i’m going to see how long i can keep them over here, putting them on when i know kelly is coming over and acting surprised like she caught me 🙂

So i met these 2 teenage girls, i can assume it was from the internet, it was very hazy. they were 18 tho. they told me while sitting in a hot tub that they were going to attempt to climb a mountain. i decide to tag along since this should be a spectacle. we went off to some state that had snow and a mountain, everyone at the town was impressed they were going to climb it. now this isn’t a normal mountain, it’s got this train that takes you up for the 1st part because it’s so rough. i’m not happy with this but i get on the train with the rest of the people going up near the top.

the train starts to go up and i’m suddenly starting to realize this is a terrible idea. me and a few others decide to just jump off and walk the rest of the way up. it’s that bad. i’m in such a hurry i leave my jacket and my red silk sheet. i remember thinking in the dream that it’s really weird to carry that type of blanket in this frozen hell hole but shrugging.
we get off and get about 50 yards away when the train heaves to one side and goes crashes off the mountain. i see the 2 girls and the conductor go flying out and disappear into the snow and destruction.
our group decides we gotta go back and check on them. we start climbing and it’s really rough going. we get to basically the top to look down on where the train disappeared. the guy leading the expedition starts pulling on this huge piece of rock we’re all kinda peering over. i look at him and say “stop it and no it’s not a good idea to use this to climb down”.

just then we see by the lake below, hundreds of boats all steaming over to where the train collapsed by some lake that none of us apparently saw?

it just took forever for all the red tape to get cut through to dispatch the boats.

we all come down the mountain. on the way down i find my silk sheet and my jacket, all frozen and balled up. i pick them up and we continue down, all bruised up and frost bitten.

the merry crew finally gets down and we meet up with the 2 teenagers at the hospital. we’re all bandaged up and they give us the invoices. omg mine is $770!

i pull out my insurance card and slam it down on the counter all proud that i have a $30 copay and i leave, waving goodbye to everyone.
—

melatonin makes for strange dreams. take 3 about 15 minutes before bedtime and all kinds of shit will seep out of your sub conscious apparently

last night my alarm on my phone goes off at 9:30pm, saying “Take yo unisom!”

i spent a hour and a half at the gym, already kinda drunk so i say “naw i don’t need it tonight”.

fast forward to 5am, i’m emailing my boss saying “i’m not coming in till late”.

i get woken up at 9am by the contractors. i thought, sweet, i didn’t sleep too late.

i leave the apartment at 10, at my desk at 10:30am. most people get there at 7am. i tell people i work the “alternate work week”.

the bonus today tho. i’m so tired when i leave the apartment, i leave my glasses! i realize this in the elevator and realize i went from having a bad day to something that’s going to suck a lot.

this is a little piece of advice for the few people who still read this. if you hold down control and use the scroll nipple on your mouse, you can make text bigger in a lot of programs.

remember this.

best part is i get into work and there is a email about something i did yesterday. they want more changes. half blind, half asleep, i crank out the changes in a few minutes and email them and say it’s all good.

mad skillz, i has them.

this day was pretty miserable. almost bad enough to where i want to keep a set of glasses at work.

i can’t believe how much shit i got done without really seeing what was going on.

here is the best part, kelly offers to take me by my apartment while we’re picking up lunch. i reach back for my keys, naw, back at the office.

gets better. i get on my bike and leave for work and it’s a little more dark then usual, oh yeah, no glasses.
we go to the gym, work out, etc. i don’t need glasses yet.
i ride home in the dark.   there isn’t any food in the apartment so i stop by the daiquiri shop for some of their amazing wings. and you can’t stop there without getting a daiquiri. i order a small with 2 shots of everclear. i bike home with the food balancing on the bars and the drink switching from hand to hand. not a drop spilt.
it was worth almost breaking my neck. i couldn’t find the straw they gave me so i used 3 normal straws. my poor drink died a quick death. so it goes.

i took the right path tonight and i’m going to be in bed by 11.

i think i’ve reached up the peak of working in a office. you get these 48 hour breaks every “weekend” then it’s back to wasting away in the cubicle. you wake up before you want to get up and have that eternal conversation with yourself “why am i doing this again?”.

the golden handcuffs that you have the key to.

so you get off work, go to the gym to work out all the angry energy you’ve built pacing around in the box. you get home and see the sink of dishes that need to be washed, get your clothes and shit ready for the next day, eat dinner, maybe read a little or watch a movie if you’re feeling extra crazy.

then it just starts all over again.

the worst part is the more you stick to the routine you start getting this forced deja vu from the day before. one week i cooked my oatmeal at the same time as this woman. asks me how i’m doing, i respond with a standard “not well”.

after a few days i was hearing Everyday Is Exactly The Same playing in my head and had to start coming in a little later because it was really starting to eat at me.

however, the wonderful woman that sits next to me at work has offered to watch marla while i go to memfist for christmas. marla is pretty well behaved, for the most part but i’m still buying them a HUGE bottle of vodka. i really don’t trust leaving marla at a vet here.

there is something you have to understand about new orleans. before the storm shit was broken but now it’s just terrible. i barely trust them to cook my food here but they seem to excel at that.
but basic city services like stop lights, doctors, street lights…i just don’t even want to risk what a post katrina new orleans kennel. she’d be better off left here with a food bowl with timer, a newspaper and a huge bowl of water.

Kelly’s having a art show. $1 tacos and happy hour 😀

sitting here at my desk watching some newsgroup porn, watching the yahoo sports live update on the saints game(i don’t have a antenna for the lcd tv), smoking and drinking. i need a 3rd monitor.

i’m trying to decide if i should stop, pause or close the porn when kelly gets here with the fried chicken.

last night i went to dinner with her and her mom then went to storyville where the jager monster came out. i really don’t remember the cab ride home. body just on autopilot.

not really looking forward to going into work tomorrow.

here is your toad mental image of the day…

i woke up this morning pretty early…kelly is meeting her mom to go furniture shopping so she has to leave early. i force some morning sex on her, even tho it’s late. i get up and stroll to the computer, turn the monitors on.

sam had been msging me last night. his aim window is full of total eclipse of the heart lyrics.

i hit youtube and have the song blaring within a few seconds, singing along and not missing a single verse.

head laying on the glass desk, looking really dramatic.

every now and then i fall apart.

she looks over and can’t stop laughing. pulling on her “i heart chocolate city” tshirt and jeans, laughing at her melodramatic boyfriend sitting naked at the computer singing total eclipse of the heart to himself.

the more things change the more things stay the same.

i’m meeting her and her mom for dinner tonight after they go shopping. this is a much more difficult situation then thanksgiving. with holiday situations there is so much static, so many people all talking, turkey, deserts. i’ve never actually done anything like this before. mothers tend to love me.

i have the entire morning and afternoon to myself….i should do everything and nothing

yay i lives!

kelly and i ate gas station fried chicken and watched american gangster after driving back from her family.

new thanksgiving day tradition.

elvis is just like jesus to me, yeah sure probably existed but i didn’t see a show so i don’t get it.

and just like elvis, jesus would forgive me if i didn’t believe in him but saw lots of monuments to his greatness.

i can’t decide who i just insulted which makes this a win update.

hail elvis.