Author: Scoutmastertoad

it’s funny when it’s 4am. drunk and angry at my ancestors for having such good genes.

ive tried everything to end myself in a fashionable way. ive tried drugs, alcohol, car wrecks, nothing seems to kill me.

i just keep going. i keep doing what i do because it’s what gets what i need to do, done. okay that didn’t make sense. well it might have.

every thought seems so redundant at this point. i catch myself telling the same crackhore stories over and over.

i hate that there is someone else out there, doing exactly what im doing. i am not special. i am not a unique snowflake. even typing these thoughts is the most useless thing ive ever done. all i can do is work, crank out as much bullshit as possible and then die.

where is the owner’s manual.

sigh.

the only hope comes from this website at this point. im going to take the gloves off.

my birthday will start the new launch of this site.

i hope you all come.

and after you come, i want you to drink from the condom.

I love people. I am seriously addicted to people. Brad says i’m like a serial killer, i’m just going to keep going out and affecting people until someone stops me.

I thrive off the ability to communicate with people. The power of speech and aim will never cease to not entertain me.

Today i woke up and felt like a corpse. The whiskey, beer and photoshop yielded some crappy design from last night and a hangover that kept me in bed most of the day. Around 3pm, i decide i gotta get out and get my oil changed so i could feel like i did something today.

I hit up a place on poplar, pull my car in, tell them i want the dank synthetic oil and sit in the little waiting room. Hands shaking from alcohol withdrawl, i text msg back and forth with Jeff.

This amazingly hot black chick pulls up in this dope new Mustang. She walks in, sits for a second and then walks to the gas station to get something to drink. The black dude changing my oil comes into the waiting room to ask for my info. We both sit and stare at her ass as she walks across the parking lot, high five, like “omg”. He’s like “You like black chicks?” and i respond that we are all the same color when the lights are off but that ass is still huge.

I dunno if it was the collective conscience or whatever but she turns around the second we stand up and high five. She smiles and starts laughing since i guess it was obvious what we were staring. You can’t have a ass like that and expect guys not to stare, i guess.

The oil change dude walks out the door laughing to go change my oil and she comes back. Akward small talk for the next 15 minutes, she waves bye as she drives off.

I pay for my oil change, give the black dude named Clarence a crackhore.com koozie and drive off.

hehe saturday night, valerie, wes and i all went out for a few drinks.

from this innocent beginning, we went and had a few pitchers.

then we go to neils.

more beer, now wes is on whiskey…..

we leave and no one is sober.

wes walks by a Evergreen Neighberhood Award site. He kicks it. It doesn’t budge. Valerie suggests that explosives might be required to dislodge the sign.

We head back inside and Wes heads to the kitchen to look under the sink for anything we can mix together. Wes pulls out some generic Pine Sol. He’s goes “omg, pine sol, you guys gotta see this trick!”

He douses his arm with Pine Sol and then asks for a lighter. Toad, who is always on the look out for his friend’s well being, tosses him a lighter.

*click*click*click*

Nothing.

Wes remembers that the last time he did this “trick” it was with real Pine Sol, not the generic rip off we have under our sink.

The moral of this story? Generics are no good in explosives.

sitting here drinking my afternoon alcoholic beverage and steve begs me to drive him to work. fine.

on the way back, i’m enjoying the day. It’s sunny, birds are chirping, it’s not bitter cold and not terribly hot yet. All the windows are rolled down. Listening to Sublime’s Stand By Your Van, a great album. Anyway, im at a stop sign, SCREAMING along to one of my favorite Sublime songs, Date Rape. I’m I’m talking screaming too. Banging fists on steering wheel, really really enjoying myself.

Now you have to understand my mind set of late. I care about absolutely nothing anymore. Apathy has completely enveloped my life and given me the warm sweater of oblivious. Singing along in traffic, embarassing roommates at convenience stores, this site is full of examples.

ANYWAY, i look over to the car next to me is one of my clients of 4 years, a realtor who works downtown. He’s laughing. Hard.

Embarassment is my anti drug.

last night i left my meeting at the coffee shop, after successfully landing the client, i felt like maybe having a drink. i stop at zinnies, have a beer, get a sandwich to go and stop at andrew and jana’s to annoy them.

once i started shaking, i figured i guess it’s time to head out. i visit andy(different from andrew) downtown. i drink lots of beer. i don’t count.

Around 1am a bunch of very attractive women roll in. You know how mid 20 chicks hangout in packs with maybe 1 dude, completely own the juke box, dance, drink and not leave tips.

well, a very tall blonde, named umm….fuck…im pretty sure it was christine, maybe…anyway, she notices me watching her dance and takes that as a reason to come up and talk to me.

the normal “who are you, what do you do” bullshit goes on. I explain that i make websites and am homeless. I drink constantly, only because it fuels the never ending fetish of websites. The basic run down.

Now her and this other random guy have been listening to me rant about how apartments and houses are “old school” and how being unemployed and homeless is definetely the way to roll.

I pause for a second and she starts. She’s 25 and a social worker. Uh Oh. I get a 30 minute speech from her and the guy, who has my phone number, who says he won’t remember, but says he might be able to find me web work.

I need to stop talking to strangers.

The whole time andy is listening to this argument im having with a social worker and a um…i dunno exactly what he was when he finally closes down the bar.

It gets kinda blurry after that. From what i remember i drove andy home, took one last beer from his fridge, drank that when i got home in bed.

Boots still on, still drunk at 11am when the Memphis Business Journal calls. They want me to pay $700 to advertise in their next major issue. So glad it went to voicemail. I can see that conversation right now.

$700? YEAH SURE, HOLD ON, LEMME JUST REACH OVER HERE INTO MY MAGIC DRAWER OF MONEY AND GET THAT FOR YOU, DO YOU TAKE CASH?

god.

Should have asked her if could advertise but work off the $700 by cleaning the memphis business journal offices every night when everyone leaves.

hate memphis, hate business, hate hangovers, hate social workers

ahahaha jail stab kill kill stab jail death

arrested for bank pwning rawr rwaraarhahahahahahdflk

stab stab stab

hi

welcome to a train wreck

tommorow is wednesday.

are you happy with what you’ve done on monday and tuesday?

i bet you’re not.

you have wasted so much time reading this bullshit.

lets leave you on a good point.

jesus may not forgive you for what you’ve done, but i will.

what would jesus do if he was toad…..and drunk.

it’s raining it’s ass off in memphis today. i just got home, all warm and comfortable in front of the monitors.

i realize i have no wine.

and i have to ship 2 ebay items.

so now i can’t figure out which one of the monkeys on my shoulder to listen to. i can sit here and be lazy, i have enough food to eat tonight and sleeping pills to eat when i’m tired of the computers.

but then there is the alcohol voice that says “nooo you need go get some wine, blare music all night, work, ship those ebay items.”

we went to kwik check on madison to get sandwiches today.

we walk in and make our order. then bam, total eclipse of the heart comes on the radio.

brad looks over at me and im already in my pose, ready for the first line.

5 minutes later, i’ve sang EVERY line of total eclipse of the heart, did a little dance midway thru it, made both the asian girls really regret not drinking before work today.

brad has a crush on the girl that works there and tries to by witty. He says “okay homeless man, it was nice talking to you, please visit my church, goodbye now”.

and total eclipse isn’t a short song. i was totally busting it down by the end. not missing a single lyric. i think that is going to be my first music video.

i bought a usb keychain drive the other day. Except i had already took it out of the package when i realized it’s either a) the most poorly designed electronic device i’ve ever purchased or b) the most homosexual

Now let me explain, you can see in the above pic that it obviously can be worn on a keychain. Except the important part, the usb part, doesn’t have the loop on it. The useless top does. So this is going to get lost on a long enough timeline.

What really bothered me was after i opened it, i noticed it had this little nylon strap. I’m sitting in my car, completely by myself and say “there is no way i’m wearing a usb drive around my neck”. For some reason, the keychain is okay.

Now i fucking like computers and shit. I crawl from my bed to my computers and then crawl back to bed most every day. But i do not want a fucking usb drive chilling on my chest. If i saw a girl wearing one around her neck, it’s perfectly fine, and a little hot.

I just can’t do it tho. I was talking to Allen the other night, who also agreed that no male should wear a usb around their neck. I proposed the idea of not using the gay nylon strap that came with it, and instead go to Home Depot and get some pretty hardcore looking chain. He said it would only attract more attention to it when you were taking your shirt off.

Can you imagine finally getting some girl in bed and when she sees you stripping your shirt off, starts laughing cuz you’re a dork and are wearing a usb drive. I mean if she was blonde enough you might be able to convince her it’s your “power amulet” and you use it to fight evil. That’s stretching it.

Wow i thought i’d feel better about this terrible purchase after sharing it with all of you but now i feel like i just tripped over a shoe lace in front of the entire internet.

thanks.

So i get this phone call today from…lets just say a goverment agency. I have been advised not to update my site in any manner that isn’t american.

so from now on im going to have to keep this pretty professional.