Author: Scoutmastertoad

Come on, just one chick. I don’t care what country she lives in, just one sweet little bisexual exhibitionist.

I spend my life at computers, constantly connected to aim. Yet i only have a handful of girls, most of which are happily dating their boyfriends and can’t post nude pics of themselves, visit me for sex, etc, etc…..

51% is a lot. There are more them then us. Just not at 2:48am….guess it’s time to retire to my sleeping quarters with my laptop and my wireless internet connection and my blood alcohol level above fractions…..goodnight cruel world, it’s over….walk on by…

I sit calmly in silence, only the sound of the keyboard clicking away my sober emotions as i wait. Waiting with cat like alertness for the first opportunity to start the ball rolling down that great big hill of drunkeness.

Hi, my name is toad, and i’m a alcoholic.

I really like pot a lot too.

And Warcraft.

I got my AA speech all planned out. Just waiting to hit rock bottom before i give myself up to Jesus Christ to be saved…or something….

Anyway, enough that. Last night in a drunken stupor, laying on the couch with the laptop, having yet another drunken conversation about my trip to Amsterdam which is approaching very soon. As soon as the lease is signed and the stuff is moved in, the ticket will be purchased a month in advance. I’m going to give myself enough money to live like a god for a week.

Only problem is going to Amsterdam for a week by yourself could be pretty dangerous. Especially when your planning on stumbling around in a drug induced rage for almost a week. I’m going to get lonely.

Luckily, Amsterdam has plenty of rosey cheeked women that i can purchase for company. From what i’ve read, women can be bought for $20-$30 american dollars. But with haircuts, apartments and prostitutes, you get what you pay for.

So my plan is to save up a decent amount of money and actually get a real escort for 3-4 days. She can show me around, showing me the sights of Amsterdam and also provide entertainment in other…activities…..

The pictures will be the best part tho. I’ll get off the plane, ride home, upload the 2 disks of pics to crackhore and watch the games begin.

“Here is me and Natasha at the art muesuem, look how dilated my pupils look!”

“Here is me and Natasha having coffee at this shop near my hotel. Yeah! Look at the size of that joint!”

Then when I leave she’ll ride with me to the airport, we’ll hug, exchange email addresses and aim names say our bitter goodbyes….

It’s been a pretty good day. Took mom to airport for her flight to Ohio for her highschool reunion. On the way she told me a pretty funny story. The whole time i was listening i kept thinking “this is going on the site”.

Okay, so last night my dad comes home from a hard day at work and makes himself a sloppy joe. Fathertoad, unlike me, likes really realy spicey food so he decides to try out this new hot sauce that their neighber gave to them.

He soakes his sandwich in it, eats the sandwiches then starts to feel kinda weird. My mom came home to find my dad laying on the living room floor dripping in sweat. He said his heart was racing and couldn’t get the burning taste in his mouth to go away. He tried drinking a lot of water and still couldn’t stop the burning and lower his temperature.

My mom looks on the container for the hot sauce and sees ONLY PUT ONE DROP! VERY HOT! She calls the neighber to ask for her advice to kill hotsauce “overdose” and she says to drink milk or sugar and that should help.

MotherToad then calls Poison Control to ask their advice. They laugh at her and then tell her to try ice cream if she doesn’t have any milk. They recommended that she take him to the emergency room if his heart rate doesn’t drop.

So he eats some ice cream and lays down on the couch and Poison Control calls back to ask how he is. My mom laughs, says he’s about to fall asleep on the couch and is fine…..i think my mom told it better, guess it also helps to know my dad….a pic would even make this update greater….blah

Except last night.

I went up to the Full Moon Club last night around 10pm. I stumble in, sit at the bar with Chad and have who knows how many Pabst Blue Ribbons. Sick shit….oh well….

I was at the Full Moon earlier showing mary and shea the flyer i made for them. They said they liked it, rewarded me with a beer. I went home, drank a half bottle of wine while playing the piano, showered and came back up….

Around midnight, i think, chad decides he has to go home. We took 2 cars so i stayed by myself and drank for a bit. This girl i had been sitting next to the whole night finally says hi and starts talking to me. By then the pot, wine and beer were in total control. That moment of th evening when you have control of what you say or do. A slave to substances. I can’t remember what i said to her, if she got up and left after i said it or if i gave her my phone number…..stupid beer….she’s probably pregnant….

My mom calls around noon yesterday and asks if i can take her to the airport tomorow around 4. I’m like “yeah i can wake up by then” and say i’ll be there. Then my dad calls to ask me if i can. Tell him already talked to mothertoad and it’s straight. Then mom calls again to remind me. I finally ask where’s she going. She says “oh no where” and laughs. I ask again. She asks me if she can leave town without telling me. I ask if she needs a ride from the airport when she gets back. She says no…..

Finally she tells me she’s going to Ohio to visit family…god….thought i was gonna be a orphan…

Last night started out by getting really stoned on the way to my sister’s ballet show on the roof of the Gibson Guitar factory. You havn’t lived till you and your friend roll up into a ballet stoned and drunk. I’m sure my mom could tell since i was laughing a little too much. Then fucking sam shows up. Sam starts whispering shit about Warcraft in my ear and i’m chewing on my hand to keep from laughing.

We decide to get some drinks.

We roll right up on some Hardrock. Tony the bartender procedes to get us trashed and after 2 cranberry and makers mark, we decide it’s definetely time to go back to Midtown. Then it turns into lets see how many different bars we can go to. We meet brandon at young ave, decide it’s definetely not worth a cover and go our seperate ways.

Lets see what this bar is like.

We spot another bar prospect. I park, take one last puff on the one hitter and stroll in like i own the place. I’m halfway through the courtyard when Wes half whispers “Toad! Toad!”. I stop, turn around and walk over to him and try to coax him along. He just turned 21 so he’s probably afraid of walking in.

Wes hurries me the opposite direction of the bar and screams “haha did you not see any guys there?” I was all about it. “Yeah dude, that place looked bumping” Then Wes said it again. Did you not see any guys in there?

I didn’t.

Cuz guys don’t go to lesbian bars.

Ugh, i always thought it was “after hours bar” and not a “i drive a harley and wear flannel” bar. I would give anything to hear the thoughts of those lesbians. The wtf’s and the omfg’s that probably went through their carpet munching minds. I still think we should have had one beer and left….

So after that, we’re not discouraged.

We head to a old reliable, zennie’s east. It starts to get blurry here. I have another 3 cranberry and maker’s mark and i guess we left. It’s about 3am when we get home, from what Wes has told me. Wes pops in the last cd of the Oz boxset.

I don’t even remember hearing the theme song.

Wes said he woke up on the floor around 6am and went back to the computer room to sleep in there. I don’t know why he was on the floor.

**Sleep for about 8 hours**

I woke up at the bright early of hour 11:30am to my cellphone ringing. I answer it, walk outside since my awesome cellphone only works outside, let the dog out and come back inside…

Walk into dirty bathroom, pee, throw up, start shower. Back to the computers, check email, look at the aim msgs. I’m still pretty drunk. I get in the shower, lean against the wall and think back to that first beer i had at Boscos that started last night. Put on my favorite shirt and my favorite pair of pants and go pick micaela up for breakfast at IHOP.

The hangover is starting to subside and food actually sounds like a decent idea. I eat some delicious pancakes and we head to Cooper Young festival. It’s 2pm and i figure wes is probably awayke in my apartent wondering if im gonna come back for him. I kick open my apartment door, Wes gets up, goes to the bathroom, lights and cigerette and gets in the car with us.

Saturday night Angie takes battle weary Wes and I to the Hitone to see Southern Bitch play. I was expecting 3 really heavy set white trash looking women who were going to play Poison covers. Instead they were a, umm, i think sam called it “americana” band. Anyway they had $2 dollar Miller High Life and the music seemed to really fit the alcohol. Our tab was only $54, which isn’t a diaster but none of us were “planning on drinking a lot”.

No idea what happened after that. Pretty sure i went to sleep.

Sunday is spent watching Futurama episodes and wasting brain cells with warcraft…..alas tommorow i must arise before noon and try to make some money…but then, come Thursday, the weekend will start again!

Like a lot of sweat Midtowners, i went to the cooper young festival today. I didn’t bring my camera, and since i wasn’t really drinking, nothing really happened. Just scores and scores of beautiful and pierced women.

We were walking out of the Java Cabana and i told micaela that i wanted to fuck every girl in a 5 mile radius. Except her, cuz she’s not 18. And that would be wrong.

But gawwwwd, just everywhere you looked there were hot girls. I felt dizzy. Watching a girl chow down on a corn dog covered in mustard is probably the most erotic thing i’ve ever seen. I need to search Morpheous for “corndog girl” and see if anything comes up.

Walking around with Micaela in Midtown is always intresting. Every 15 minutes she runs into someone else she knows. Great part is everytime i’m introduced their like “ohhh you’re toad! haha i’ve heard a lot about you”

This makes me uncomfortable.

Of course no one can remember exactly what they heard about me. So their either hearing “Yeah, drug addicted pedophile” or “You gotta meet my cute friend toad”. Probably not the later..

Tonight Angie is dragging my anti-social ass to the hitone to see a band called Southern Bitch. May need to bring the camera.

And you. And the faggots that can’t figure out that thise little arrows on the concrete in a parking lot are there for.

You’re coming up to the Shnucks on Poplar. Yes, this grocery store, formally called Sessels, is not a “Snucks”. Anyway, you’re going to get food, you’re coming East bound so you gotta turn in front of, oh my god, 3 lanes of traffic!

Now if you look carefully, on the ENTRANCE there is a big white arrow pointing for you to come in there. Now like 80% of Memphis understands you pull in there. Every once in a while you get a super faggot that tries to pull out that way but it’s rare.

So you get in, crossing the 3 lanes of traffic. Now you gotta find a fucking space. This is where the disasters start. People get so confused once they pull in. It’s a confusing parking lot, i’ll give them that. But thats why the smart people at Sessels painted a little navigational tool for all their patrons.

I guess they can’t see the it from their lofty view of their SUV.

Poplar is like the ultimate IQ test. Today I’m driving down Poplar going home and this car starts trying to turn into the Starbucks. I’m looking up above her car with the big NO TURNING sign. I look in my rear view mirror and see the 4 cars, blocking the intersection, because this dumb bitch has to get her coffee. The best is watching the people behind you in that “hey look at this dumb bitch is doing”. You watch the brows turn, the look of disgust washes over their face as they slowly feel their life being drained by someone else’s ignorance.

i don’t even know what else to say….I should have turned with her, walked in, got in line behind her as she got her coffee. Smelled her perfume, watched what she ordered…..or maybe she was gonna go to the drive through. Then i could have followed her home.

Yay, server is back up, i can commence with my work and play. Since i’m at the office i can’t upload any pics. I don’t have any new pics anyway so it works out pretty well in the end.

Was a pretty boring weekend. Didn’t drink at all so most of the time was spent being loaded out of my mind and playing the piano. I can fuck it up with some Fur Elise and Deck The Halls now. All i gotta do is find a drum machine and i can start doing shows. My first song will be a industrial version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I’m going to be auditioning for a lead vocalist so start practicing, hehe.

Hmm, you know you’ve been doing too many drugs when you wake up Monday morning, all sober and normal feeling and it actually feels stranger then how you feel after the 3rd bong hit. Oh well, guess thats why the call it the weekend anyway…

I had been talking about buying a keyboard for about 3 months. I dunno, after learning how to drive a manual transmission vehicle by just getting in it and driving around until it clicked has activated some weird fascination with the power of victory.

Maybe it’s the routine of my life. The work, drink, sleep cycle fucks with you. Except for the 2 weekly runs i sit in the same place doing absolutely nothing.

Most people would say enroll in school. I think it’s a waste of money.

I had been doing well with money recently, despite the addictions, so i said fuck it. Spent maybe a total of 3 hours playing with it throughout the night, part of which, was done in those hazy hours before i fall into my drunken coma.

I’d like to first state how confusing notes are. I hated learning this shit in mandatory music class and now im just as confused. The fact that sharp notes and flat notes are on the same fucking key, really really bothers me as a computer person. It’s right click or left click. Not sharp click or dull click.

Mommy, why does that man only have one mouse button?

Well Timmy, he’s a homosexual, their mice only have one button to show us that they are gay.

so around 7pm tonight i start paging chad, the guy im hanging out with, paging him with the msg “666”. After the 3rd time he starts really really getting worried. i paged him again with 666 while he was in the bathroom and finally i had to give in and tell him

i should have kept the joke going. i kept paging him whenever he left my company and then he’d freak out cuz he was getting 666 pages.

I finally told him since i felt sorry for him. he was sure it was someone else but i figured i rode it out long enough….

only one pic from tonight….here’s andy making a long island ice tea haha