Author: Scoutmastertoad

coming to a venue near you.

http://memphis.craigslist.org/tlg/137160391.html 

 

So i have this thing about wearing shirts with other people’s names on it. Steve James, Natalie, Lola, there are so many aliases that its’ gonna take the FBI years to track it down. I wore my Natalie “mechanic shirt” to a goth night.

 It was like cross dressing in the smallest percentage.

I walk into the wrong bathroom(no doors or signs) and pee. I walk out and im like “oh hi, hot goth girl, um” and walks off. It didn’t hit me unti later when Levi was like “dude your shirt says natalie, you can go in there”.

I’m so afraid im going to just repeat my same mistakes.

So it’s 3:21am on a sunday morning.  There are 2 16 oz’s of budlight in my fridge and no one is responding aim.

This isn’t content, and we’re not a site, we’re 5 middle fingers on a your mouse hand!

God, my goth karoake bar is going to own memphis.

okay lets start this out around 6am.  I lost my keys. Like in a very serious way.  After the last update, it’s no surprise i can’t find my keys. I start from the front of the apartment and work my way back.  I call Caryn and she says she doesn’t remember me doing anything crazy with my keys so check the usual places.

 I’m not going into the details of checking the couches twice, etc, but i started to lose it. I almost started crying. I felt so trapped, fucking beer leading to shit like this.  Anyway, i FINALLY find my keys and walk to the celtic crossing. Didnt’ see a seat the bar and didn’t see any friends so it’s off to the deli. I drink a few pabst here and kinda bond with the other people there cuz they are watching a memphis state game, woo hoo, go home team, blah. I read a memphis flyer and started to draw.

I text message Levi to see what he’s doing.  He’s going to the goth night at liquid lounge.  Sure, i’ll go.  Levi and Rachel take my drunk ass up there and basically it’s almost impossible to put into words what takes place.  To make things even more intresting, my friend Tarrance, T, who i havn’t seen in years goes.

God, i could write for hours about tonight.  I sketched notes about how i “felt” the whole night, sitting on desk, i need to scan them. This is stuff worse then when i was in the bus station in florida. 

 Anyway, girls start to show up around midnight. Someone told me her name but i don’t remember and it doesn’t matter. She’s basically wearing a little see through skirt, stockings and no underwear.

 She’s a lesbian so she’s making out with girls and a male(friend) who is now instantly my hero. I just can’t get over the fact that this girl is naked and i can see her ass. Like I can see the part of her ass that you don’t normally see.  Like if we were at a strip club, then okay, she’s a “stripper” and it gives it a certain off limits, like “i can’t touch her unless i can cough up enough for a lapdance”. 

Anyway, the real defining moment of tonight was the alleyway showdown before we got to the bar.  We pull into a 1 lane alleyway off a major street, highland ave, for my memphis kids. A white explorer starts to pull out of the one way street, so it’s basically like “okay, who’s going to puss out first”. It’s so much more dangerous for us to back out on to highland, almost on the par of suicide. He can back out straight from where he is, into his spot and he’s fine.

We are all like “no fuck him, make him back up”.  We sit there for like 45 more seconds. I’m just shaking my head saying “no fuck this, fuck him, he’s backing up, not risking our lives on this bullshit”. Levi and Rachel are like “your right, fuck him” and we sit there.  About a minute into it i start to go “okay, should i go say “look, we’re not moving, back the fuck up” and maybe end this earlier.

He backed up tho.

Fucker.

I’m not going to even mention how i took my shirt off at the liquid lounge and hit on some poor girl who will hopefully not return my calls.  God is after me and he’s catching up.

So valerie and i had a talk last night.  The cycle needs to stop, we’re going different ways for a while. She leaves. I feel really bad for all my friends because i’m tired of putting them through this. I’m tired of hearing myself bitch about it.  It was so obvious what i was doing with her, just trying to mold her into what i wanted instead of risking the loneliness of being single.  It’s going to be really easy for her to get over me because it’s going to be so easy to treat her better then i have. Going to suck paying for bigger apartment….maybe i should post something on craigslist…anyway..walk to the deli with the tablet and sit there and drink by myself. and talk on aim.

I picked up my phone and called Caryn.  Caryn came up and listened to me bitch about everything and then took me out drinking. It’s nice to have friends. She sat and listened to be bitch and moan about this tired old story.  We leave the deli and go to Hoa Po’s(sp), a vietnamese resturant during the day, but they’ve started letting bands play there at night.  Really weird.   I really forgot how much I enjoyed seeing a live band. Then we go to Murphey’s to hear another band.  Really wish i could remember their name because it was pretty intense.

So much Pabst. I really love blacking out.  I have these cuts and bruises from the last few weeks of drinking. It’s going to be so sad to read these posts when im in the hospital waiting for a liver cuz i need a transplant.

Just ate a apple.  It’s funny how apples are like the exact opposite of beer.  Now i can save this post on a good note.

Yesterday was kinda fucked up, like truely a good day in what will soon be my short and lonely life. Started drinking Pabst at the deli at 11am with Levi who just got back from Iraq. Played i dunno how many games of pool, drank a lot, talked about everything from body armor to female Islamic snipers.

Ive been kind of on a bender lately because the web jesus life has been paying off and i’m actually feeling these little bursts of manic happiness. It’s all a act to hide how I’m really tearing myself up because of Valerie.  Last night poor Mary listened to me bitch and moan about whether or not i should leave my loving girlfriend.  Then i vaguely remember her shoving me down in the parking lot. It’s still early and Eric is online yet but i’m reallly going to have to get the details on that.

I can tell the end is pretty much around the corner, it’s been a fun.  I’ve had a really good time. Shouldn’t have drank so much.  Anniex0r called me at 3:45am this morning and left a message and after hearing it i can’t really tell you what she was calling for or what the message was “about”. I’m so glad i didn’t answer all drunk off import beer, depressed and manic, that would have been a conversation we both would have really regretted.

I should call her later. I take comfort in other people’s pain and you have to be in pain if you’re calling me drunk at 4am. I am a confirmed drunk dialer and i know what can be said and the damage that can be done. I’m sure she’s fine, but it’s how i still really worry about people, even when they are someone i should not be answering calls from. Like i can search this site for annie and see the torment and pain i’ve felt from that evil girl. I guess i can still worry about her.

She’s shaped me to the wonderful person i am today. < /sarcasm>

 Yeah so today i’m reallly going to start eating again. Food is so important, people. You can drink as much as you want but you really gotta eat or else the drinking will stop, and so will the fun breathing. I’m trying to figure out what i really wanna eat because it’s really important to really want what you’re eating when you havn’t done it in days.

Ive been thinking about it tonight and i don’t want a funeral or viewing. Burn me up or feed me something. I don’t want you assholes looking at me saying “he could have done so much” or “god i should have never fucked him”.

 Another thing is it’s expensive to travel.  It’s kinda pointless to come “visit” toad if i’m already dead. I can’t talk back so why bother come. I doubt i’ll show you a good time since, well, i’ll be dead.

I just hate no matter how many updates about how i want to be fed to coyotes and a final pic uploaded to my site, i’ll still have some shitty stupid catholic funeral. It’s so poetic that i actually know that jesus had kids and now im getting buried by his church built by asshole popes.

 Burn me, eat me but leave my site up.

Ive been thinking about it tonight and i don’t want a funeral or viewing. Burn me up or feed me to something. I don’t want you assholes looking at me saying “he could have done so much” or “god i should have never fucked him”. Thats all a funeral, just a hating session. If i died then i screwed up somewhere along the way or fate just ran a red light and got me. And surprise, it’s gonna happen to you soon too? I wasn’t going to do anything that great anyway, was I? Or maybe it was cut short! omg! So fucking stupid. Virus with shoes. Doesnt’ matter, bigger picture, etc.

 Another thing about my stupid funeral is it’s expensive to travel just for a funeral, especially since once i’m dead. Not coming back, not going anywhere, no big rush. It’s kinda pointless to come “visit” toad if i’m already dead. I can’t exactly ask how you’ve been so it’s really depressing.

I just hate no matter how many updates about how i want to be fed to coyotes and a final pic uploaded to my site, i know my funeral will still have some shitty stupid catholic funeral. It’s so poetic that i actually know that jesus had kids and now im getting buried by his church built by asshole popes who want some gay viewing and some lame funeral.

Burn me, eat me but leave my site up but it’s really not that big of a deal.