Month: April 2006

wow so i went and hit golf balls with eric today. hawaiian shirt, camo pants, spiked metal bracelet, and a white golfu. got a few stares. well, a lot. i’m getting the hang of golf. it’s so awesome setting a away message “golf, yeah, i’m a golf ninja, sup”. man that place is such a pocket of humanity, like the hot little 18s(bet she was) that work there…..it’s almost a tradition to hit on them…Anyway*cough*

a new friend of mine, we’ll call her….zelda, text msgs me. she wants to know what we’re doing. i give her directions to the drinking place. she’s not 21 so i ninja her a shot of jager…..not to go on a segway but

1) toad should not drink jager

2) toad needs to stop talking about himself so much

3) more long sleeve shirts

we leave the first bar and head to the 2nd one. anyway, i have no idea why this girl is talking to me. i’m serious, i asked her and she sounds like she actually just wants to be friends with me….i don’t buy that. i’m starting to wonder if she’s FBI. I mean no puts up with this shit unless they know me and feel sorry for me they’re a undercover goverment agent.

*cough*

Anyway, we drink and i order a shot of jager. i just can’t drink it. throwing up in front of people you’ve only met twice = not win. i make her drink it. she does. we talk about just about everything under the sun, lots of embarassing good stories, very good. she eventually leaves to pick up her boyfriend. This is some serious deja vu.

Anyway. I didn’t burn myself tonight when she went she left me for a second to go to the bathroom. lol…fitter, happier, more productive…i see this as progress….i am healing on every plane. This might be pretty funny a week from now when im in a hospital dying but i think i got bite by something at the park thursday. Right arm is all swollen  and a huge lump is growing. Going to doctor monday.

nice knowing you all.

better fuck me now.

lol so i’ve been stalking girls. i can say it and im okay with it. so there.

sometimes these girls give me their aim names. thats when i have them.

so im talking to one of these girls on aim the other day. she’s talking about how she wants to get out since she has the day off the next day. i’ve been drinking the entire day….started when i got in the car with michelle and hasn’t ended yet apparently.

i shower, shave, put on the cutest clothes i have and walk up there. i wait a long time. i almost leave. i wonder if this is some sick sadistic shit her and her girlfriend do…lure men from myspace and watch them talk to other strangers at the bar and drink.

she shows up. says “oh wow you dyed your hair”. i respond, yah constantly. We sit and talk for about 2 hours before she admits “i thought you were someone else”. I respond with “i had to look through my messages to make sure i just didn’t invite a 17 year old out for drinks”.

I’m honestly a little proud of myself….she’s a 27 year old marketing major…..i tell her a few stories of my life and probably scare her off with the shit i know about her. conversation has never flowed so smoothly…..she talks about her long distance boyfriend who she wants to leave….i just smile and agree that she needs to leave the bastard who has strung her along for half a year…..i mean what do u say…leave him or don’t, it’s up to you, trust me. I’m a little weirded out and probably shouldn’t be talking on the site about this but i really like this girl. you know you’re doing okay if you can go through politics, religion(tori says jesus had a son conversation), work, and not have the person get up and leave. i only know her first name and don’t have her cell phone so the stalking factor is pretty low but she either trusts me a whole bunch or has a death wish. I cleaned the apartment for 4 hours yesterday because i felt so ashamed of this place.

now melissa, lets call her that, is kinda tipsy when the leave the bar at 3am. we walk around the block. i suggest we walk more. oh we’re near my apartment, lets go there?

this is where i fuck up….i had a perfectly good thing going on, should have sat on the porch with her and not brought her inside.

but i don’t. lets bring her inside. great idea. awesome.

the front little room isn’t that bad….she walks into the living room and sees the bolt cutters on top of the remains of the joseph/mary statue that allen gave me. which was smashed to pieces on easter. luckily she is jewish and isn’t offended by this.

she walks into the kitchen….3 beer boxes lay slain the floor, clothes, food, beer cans and bottles, just everywhere…she mentions the 3 computer monitors….i say “i like computers”….we sit and talk for a bit and her long distance boyfriend calls. thanks.

i walk her back to her car and walk home. i think to myself…wow she thought you were someone else when she wanted to meet you…or him….i think back to a quote i heard recently…i’d rather be lucky then good…..

talking to michelle monday morning…it’s been a 3 beer morning so im feeling good. she says she’s about to drive to murphysboro to visit a friend. i ask her if she wants company.

3 hours later i have her dad’s pimp ass honda loaded up with beer my laptop, calling people to go check in on marla for me. we head out on our way and over the next 4-5 hours michelle learns more then she probably ever wanted to know about me. i realize that she isn’t really the peace loving hippy girl i’ve often described to people. just because someone is smiing doesn’t mean what they’re saying is happy. i drink and she drives and we finally get there. we call her friend for directions. he’s unable to give us street names, just landmarks. it takes us forever….

We go to this weird hooter’s type resturant called Toots. It’s like such a simple equation when you think about it. Get big breasted girls, a deep fryer and a beer license and you’re ready to own. After a pitch of amberbock.

We leave Toots and go to one of Billy’s friends house. Now these are some really good ole southern boys. And im wearing my metal spiked bracelet and have cigerette burns/cuts all down my arms. Like showing up at a klan rally in a boy george costume. They have a 4 foot glass bong called The Bender. I watch them hit it(cuz i don’t do drugs) and then procede to throw a tennis ball back and forth. This probably one of the most strangest hobby ive seen some stoners do. I mean normally it’s playstation or frisbee or whatever, but with them they are throwing a tennis ball, at increasing speed, around the room. I keep waiting for it to hit the bung and it never does. This makes me think they do it quite a bit. I don’t get it…

We somehow manage to get back to Billy’s where more beer is consumed and we sleep on 2 couches that smell like beer. We wake up at 9 and head back. We stop at a Shoneys for lunch. Get lots of stares from the retired people dining there. We get back to her car and head back to Memfrica. I get back and have to instantly shower and shave and head to a meeting. Fun times.

hmmmm

yeah and another thing.

 i beat my websites

it’s a part of me

it’s inside of me

im stuck in this site, it’s changing me…i am becoming….

ugh im starting to run out of comfortable places. saw valerie last night at sidestreet, puked at the deli today….she can have this city, i’m drinking in front of the computers.

i celebrated easter by smashing a statue of mary and joseph. hail satan.

i saw my other stalking victim thursday night too.i can almost feel the burning of the mace. i can’t wait till pages of this site are printed out and waved in court with the words “your honor” used in them 🙁

just about every night i snap and have to leave my computers and be somewhere else. that’s usually a bar. yesterday was just like every other day…i stayed home till almost 11 and then just cracked. i sat and drank with strangers while stalking a myspace girl, had a few shots and came home.

here’s where the trouble begins.(he says after he’s been stalking someone)

i get on aim, oh look, Vanessa is on. i kinda wish i had the aim conversation before she tells me to call her on the phone. Here are the 3 levels of my reality….it goes aim, phone, real life. Now i make less and less sense in each of these. On aim i’m a pretty fun guy, well, except when im talking about cutting myself. Now on the phone, i gotta use that to talk to a lot of people, most of whom  probably hate me. Real life, everyone hates me and is out to get me.

Now that i’ve explained that, Vanessa has decided to cross over into the next level. At this point i’m misspelling her name in the aim window and talking all kinds of weird nonsense. The jager, beer, sleeping pills, etc are not helping my ability to communicate with others.

I now know a lot about Vanessa and she probably knows a lot more about me then she ever wanted to know. It was probably fairly okay until direction when Tulia(sp) and Heather, her friends get there. I know for a fact that jager toad should now never talk to anymore lesbians, not on aim, not on the phone, not in real life. I hope i didn’t give her the infamous “every straight person is a little bi, so every lesbian must kinda want dick” line…

I wonder if my phone company can just shut off my phone at 11pm every night. Not a single phone call in recent recollection, except for the “omg im drunk at a bar please come get me” phone calls, has gone well after 11pm. Text msging too.

dear mrs amos(thats so hot you kept your name even tho you married him)

so i was drinking by myself last night and woke up on my computer room floor to Marys Of The Sea. I don’t know what it is about that song but i can’t stop listening to it. Every single morning…..you would murder me if you had any idea how terribly i sing along and dance around my dirty apartment…..

The worst part is i do it other places too. Like karaoke. You havn’t heard caught a light sneeze until you’ve seen a pale, little white dude rolling around on stage mutilating that beautiful song.

Anyway, i’m sure you’re busy but i just wanted to drop you a quick line about how you’ve enhanced my drinking experiences more then could ever know. If you ever come to Memphis and maybe wanna get a drink, give me a call 901-XXX-XXXX

scoutMASTERtoad: yay phase 2
FloTekSek: rofl
FloTekSek: the stage is set
scoutMASTERtoad: yeah all i have to do is wait now
scoutMASTERtoad: ball is in her court
FloTekSek:

lol databit rolled on through memphis last night….he brought me some presents he stole….so awesome…