Author: Scoutmastertoad

You play for the new orleans saints. Plz throw the football to them instead of the other team. Aim for guys wearing black and gold. They are on your team. They want to catch it. Just throw it to them.

Love, crackhore.com

So this saturday i woke up at 6am and rode the free bus to baton rouge to go to the police auction. On the bus ride up there Dickie gave me some good advice on how to purchase cars at a police auction. You give your driver’s license to the old scary woman, she gives you a key to go start a car. You start it up, pop the hood, put it in drive, drive it a little forward, put it in reverse, drive it back into it’s spot. I tried 3-4 different cars, one of which would go forward and wouldn’t go in reverse.

It came down to a Chevy Malibu and a Dodge Intrepid. The Malibu got way too rich for my blood way too fast and i backed down. When it came to the Intrepid I didn’t back down and got it for right at $1,700. Not bad.

Dickie and I pull out of the auction lot and decide to head to a Wal*Mart to get a battery and a oil change since it needed both very badly.

This is where my judgement spirals downhill.

It takes the idiot at Wal*Mart almost 3 hours to put a battery in which i think i could have even put in 30 minutes. I dunno if you’ve ever spent 3 hours in a Wal*Mart just killing time but i don’t reccomend it. After about a hour we both started losing it. We got yelled at for skateboarding in the toys section. Dickie fondeled a stuffed cat in the hunting section. I bought french fries from the Mc Donald’s inside. Dickie bought a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt which he changed into in the middle of the jewery section. I pretended like i didn’t know him.
It seriously felt like we lost 3 years of our lives wandering around this place. I ended up buying a pair of socks and one of those portable battery chargers(for the future).

Consumerism surrounds us. It’s been like over 2 hours now for a simple battery change. I could have done it faster. Apparently the fact that you have to take off a wheel to put in a battery is really fucking with the guy. Dickie and i finally go out, walk into the garage(where customers are not allowed to go) help the guy put the battery in, play and leave, and drive back to nola. Losing only 3 hours of our saturday. *stab*

So i was at work today in the bathroom reading cnn.com on my cellphone like i normally do. Whenever i connect and see BREAKING NEWS in all caps at the top of the page, i get a little excited. Something has happened! Something that might affect me! Terrorism! Big accident!

Newp, Brittany is getting divorced.

Glad i dropped the toliet paper for nothing.

Now the old me would go into a rant about how that shit shouldn’t matter to us but you’ve heard it all before……

So the other night i went out to eat with Wes. He was showing me his new Ipod, telling me how great it was, etc.

I came home all drunk, loaded up apple.com and bought one.

I guess i’m bi now.

I feel a lot better now that i’ve talked about it. I feel like such a hypocrite tho. Don’t think this is a new start for me. I’m not going to buy one of those stupid over priced ibooks and start listening to Morrisey.

It’s weird how im justifying it too. Like “oh i just want something to have while i run” which sounds a lot like “im lonely and imma start sleeping with guys”.

Blah, im going to have to get so drunk to install itunes.

That’s like unprotected gay sex.

Now im starting to want to blame microsoft and zune for not making a better cheaper product. That’s like saying i’m dating guys because there are not enough hot girls around.

I’m trying to think of some more analogies but i can’t make myself feel better. Oh well, it gets here tomorrow. Might as well put on the pink fishnet shirt and lube up.

I’ve been decorating my cube more heavily lately. Since i spend more time there then i do my apartment, i figure it should look as much like my apartment as possible.

Note the palm tree rug, stolen signs and beef jerky.

It’s weird when i look at it now. Ive freelanced for 6-7 years now, no paycheck, no office, no security, no idea what im going to do tomorrow, no idea where rent is coming from, etc.

Now that i have a semi sturdy contract, all i do is fear the termination of my contract and scared of the comfortable life i had before.

It’s weird when you type it all out like that. I’m scared of not having to worry? Oh well, i’m always terrified, always will be. Guess i’ll just wait the next few months, probably get fired and it’ll be back to the freelance lifestyle of morning pabst, no bosses and living the rogue webdesigner life.

So the other night my neighbors had a little party. All the neighbors from the street came over and ate bbq, drank to excess, hung out, stole things from the grocery store, etc.

The girl across the street, who’s name i cannot recall except it starts with a J and has a X in it, has not learned the value of drapes. Im sitting here staring at my monitor on the floor watching her walk around her upstairs apartment unpacking.

Earlier tonight i was heading to the store for some “supplies” and i see her leaving her apartment. I tell her that she’s been wearing those clothes all afternoon and i havn’t seen her change once.

I expect drapes tomorrow.

So Andy Boy calls me and asks for my address because he’s going to send me a article of clothing. He says i absolutely must post a picture of me wearing it on the site. He’s a little buzzed and accidently slips that it’s velvet. This oughta be good.

I guess if you want a good update you gotta break a few eggs.

So ive been trying to make my cubicle more like home since im basically spending more time there then my apartment. I started by putting up a few stolen signs, which god knows i have a lot. Then it occurred to me that some of my bosses might find this offensive. Even tho i have never said these signs were stolen, i keep saying i purchased them all.

I decided to give everyone in my row their own stolen “please wash your hands before leaving the bathroom” sign or “please do not litter” sign, etc, etc. I’ve successfully converted 4 people’s cubes into toad colonies. A lot of people have been a little turned off by them since they are pretty disgusting looking. Not because they were in a bathroom, but because they were ducttaped to the walls of my last 3 apartments.

I just packed up 3 more signs to bring into work tomorrow to see how many more people i can infect.